lW?fe 




Book VV2Jx_. 



PRESENTED BY 



THE NEW EARTH 
AND WHAT BEFELL 
ITS CREATOR 

With Light Upon the Miraculous 

Levitation of 

WOODROWILSON, THE MASTER 



A Drama 

In which the BUBBLE, 
SHAM, is tickled by the 
FINGER of TRUTH 



Done by that irreverent chronicler 

HENRY A. WISE WOOD 

Who would recall his countrymen from 

idolatry by knocking their heads 

against the Tablets of 

A merican Tradition 



{Second Edition) 



1920 



E- 7 



^ 



^c 



'T^HE price of this book is 10 
cents a copy, or $9 a hun- 
dred, postage prepaid. If your 
dealer cannot supply it, it may 
be had of the Author, at 25 
Madison Ave., New York City 






Copyright, 1919, by Henry A. Wise Wood 



FOREWORD. 

THERE are two issues before the American people that in- 
volve the abandonment of fundamental principles upon 
which our government rests. The first would destroy our inde- 
pendence of foreign control, to establish which the Revolution- 
ary War was fought; the second would deny the legislative 
branch of our government its constitutional freedom from execu- 
tive domination, and would substitute for the will of the people, 
as expressed by their representatives, the will of the President, 
made effective by official coercion exercised through the abuse of 
power. 

This book is a protest against the apathy of the American 
People in the presence of these dangers to their governmental 
system. It is a protest, also, against the use by the President of 
the machinery of government to dragoon the public into accept- 
ing his will as the law. By the employment of mischievous 
propaganda conducted at the public expense, by official cajolery 
and intimidation, he has persistently sought to make his will 
prevail. No people can retain their liberties who invite these 
practices, or are supine in their presence. 

The proceeds, if any, that result from the sale of this book 
will be used to combat the evils against which it is directed. 

Henry A. Wise Wood. 

New York City, 
September 15, igiQ- 



THE NEW EARTH 
AND WHAT BEFELL ITS CREATOR 



IN ONE ACT 



SCENE 

Sanctuary of the Temple of the Cowardly Peoples, Geneva. 
Altar, holding a bejewelled writing machine. Before the altar, 
a throne facing the auditorium. At the right of the throne, a, 
reader's desk, holding an illuminated copy of the NEW FREE- 
DOM. At the left, a cabinet, upon which is a well-scissored^ 
copy of the Scriptures, with blue pencil and shears. Beside the 
throne upon the floor is an ostentatiously decorated casket zvitJi 
the word PAX engraved upon each of its sides. Sumptuous fur- 
nishings throughout; lighting, dim; air, that of austere solemnity. 

The Master, clad in white robe and black gloves, enters gravely 
and seats himself upon the throne. Two novices follow, and 
drop at his feet upon the throne steps. 



The Master [contemplatively']. The Earth: I remade it; I, 
Woodrowilson, wielder of celestial power in terrestrial af- 
fairs. I, Woodrowilson, willed that sounds should be things, 
and sounds are become things. I willed that wishes should be 
events, and wishes are become events. I willed that promises 
should be fulfillments, and promises are become fulfillments. 

First Novice. O, Great Master. 

The Master. I willed that history should no longer have 
been, and the past was not. I willed that the nature of man 
should be other than it is, and it is other than it is. I willed 
that man's disobedience should end, and he is become docile. 
I willed that he should cease to be selfish, and he is become 
unselfish; that he should cease to be quarrelsome, and he is 
become amiable; that he should cease to be ambitious, and he 
is become humble of heart. 

First Novice. O, Great Master. 

The Master. I willed that there should cease to be mul- 
tifarious peoples, and there is become one people, my people; 
that there should cease to be divers tongues, and there is become 
one tongue, my tongue. I willed that there should cease to 
be free nations, and there is become one state, the sum of all 
states. I am its Master. Its people are my subjects, for I 

[5] 



6 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

brought them into bondage. Its law is my will. And its courts 
are my courts, for I set them up. 

First Novice. O, Great Master. 

The Master \^str etching forth his hands, his fingers crook' d]. 
Its properties are my possessions, for I cov^ered them into my 
hands. Its railways and ships and shops and banks, its tele- 
graphs and cables and telephones and posts, its armies and navies 
and treasuries, — these all are of my power; they buttress my 
rule. Its public prints and sources of news, its schools and forums 
and churches, — these also are of my strength, for they dissemi- 
nate my views and teach my doctrines, to the glorification of the 
Master and his elevation above the peoples of the earth. 

First Novice. O, Great, Great Master. 

The Master [rising, menacingly]. Who, therefore will 
assail the Master, there being left none not having his bread at 
the Master's hand? Who will oppose the Master's will, his 
irresistible word having left none insolently possessed of a high 
heart, or courage, or patriotism? 

First Novice. None, O, Master. 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. How about the 
T-Roos? 

First Novice. Hush; I am worshipping. 

The Master [commandingly]. Say you, therefore, to the 
world that I have given it my Covenant; that the Covenant is 
my law, and that my law is set up over men and the children of 
men forever. Say to the world that so long as my Covenant is 
obeyed there shall be peace. But woe is the world if it shall 
disobey my Covenant, for then will I smite it again with words 
and no man shall know whither to turn for guidance or cer- 
tainty, for all shall be chaos. 

First Novice. O, terrible Master. 

The Master. Hand me now the Book of my prophet Moses, 
that I may delve in its mine of phrases for still more terrific 
words with which to move men, or to smite them. Was ever the 
flail of language so dreadful in any hands as in mine? With it 
have I not overthrown the reason and governments of men, by 
the mere movement of my lips? 

First Novice [handing the Master the Scriptures]. O, most 
horrendous Master. 

The Master [rising to full height]. God said, "Let there 
be light" and there was light. I, saying, "Let there be darkness" 
cancelled His command. It is not good for men to see : the eyes 
of the Master, only, should guide them. God smote the tower 
builders of Babel and scattered the peoples of the earth. I drew 
the peoples together again within the hollow of my hand, and 



The New Earth and What Befel l Its Creator 7 

undid God's evil work. He made them to stand erect without 
fear in His sight; I made them to crouch and cower in my pres- 
ence. He drove war into the world and since has permitted it 
to thrive; I have driven courage out of the heart of man and 

war out of the world, and all is pea Who laughed? 

First Novice [to Second Novice, in consternation^. Who 
laughed? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice']. One of the 
T-Roos. 

First Novice. It was a shout of praise from without, O, 
Master. 

The Master. Reward it. Light the censer; worshippers 
may be coming. Set before me the Ark of the Covenant; they 
must be kept aware of the Law. My make up; hurry! The 
austere aspect of majestic mastery alone must confront them. 
Good! Now throw open the gates. 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Open the Gates. 

Second Novice [zvhispers to First Novice]. Don't you do 
it. It's only the T-Roos, and they'll swat the old man. They're 
onto him. 

First Novice. The worshippers, O, Master, are not yet 
assembled. 

The Master. Not assembled! Well, as I was saying, all 
is peace. No longer do peoples strive for mastery, nor political 
parties for power, nor men for trade, nor women for social 
preferment, nor children for victory in their games. 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Say, can't you 
get the old man to keep his foot off the Ark of the Covenant? 
It's an awful job to keep it polished. 

First Novice. Hush; I am worshipping. 

The Master [continuing]. Victory! That is the word that 
marked my zenith act. Ha! how swiftly I struck, and smote it 
into fragments, to make certain the peace that I had willed to 
be — the peace that leaves the vanquished victor. Vain men ! 
they planned to thwart me, me, the confuser of their thoughts, 
the confounder of their councils, the sequestrator of their rights, 
the prophet of their own peoples and the harvester of all their 
glory; the — who shrieked then? 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Who shrieked 
then? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Them Needless- 
Ghosts-to-Be. They always butt in when he talks like that. 

First Novice. A chant of praise, O, Master. 

The Master [reseating himself]. Reward it. Oh, by the 
way, has my honorarium come? 



8 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

First Novice. The Bursar has said, yes, O, Master. 

The Master [lifting the Scriptures from the floor where it 
had fallen]. The Book; I forgot the Book. Let us turn to 
the Song of Solo — no, let it be another subject. Open the 
Phrase Chest and let us replenish it. Is the Weasel hungry? 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Is the Weasel 
hungry yet? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Nope; his 
belly's full of that last proclamation, and he's asleep. 

First Novice. The Weasel sleeps, O, Master. 

The Master. Wake him, and fetch my Underwood from the 
altar. Let the heralds announce that I contemplate the bestowal 
of aristocratic privileges upon the Hoboes. They, only, observe 
my edict forbidding private ownership and prosperity. Is it in 
Mark, or Luke, that there occurs the phrase, "Blessed are the 
poo- 



First Novice [interrupting]. Shall the announcement be 
reversible, or deniable, O, Master? 

The Master. Make it reversible; I may have to switch to 
the Bolshiwobs. "Blessed are the poor." In the Beatitudes, eh? 
Well, let's see how we'll dress it up to look new. What are 
synonyms for "blessed" and "po " ? 

Second Novice [bearing the machine, and whispering in a 
frightened voice to First Novice]. Say/ We're in for a hell of 
a time ! Somebody's swiped the Great II 

First Novice. Great IFoodrowilson! [shouting] Thieves 
in the Temple ! Thieves in the Temple! It's gone, O, Master, 
It's gone! the Great I ! 

The Master. Gone? Gone? It f^«'f be gone ! Sacrilege! 
Who'd dare! Look, look everywhere; it may be about the place. 

First Novice [zvringing his hands]. O, Master! O, Mas- 
ter! 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. There it is, — 
on the floor. 

First Novice [shrilly]. Smashed to bits! Smashed to bits! 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Why shouldn't 
it be? He's pounded it to death. 

First Novice [moaning]. What shall we do? Oh, what 
shall we do? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Now Ts gone, 
let him use X. 

First Novice [sobbing]. He'll never do that; he hates X. 

The Master [on all fours]. Where is it? Where is it? 
Smashed, did you say? My I, my I; what shall I do without 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 9 

my JVhat was that? Did you hear It? Rough voices, — 

go see. 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Go see; quick. 

Second Novice [goes out and returns. PFhispers to First 
Novice']. A delegation from the land of US, demanding to get 
in. They look mad clear through. 

First Novice. A delegation, O, Master, from your land of 
US. 

The Master [scrambling to his feet]. Come to worship, or 
complain? Go look; are they angry? 

First Novice [whispering to Second Novice]. Go see; are 
they very angry? 

Second Novice [whispering to First Novice], Mad as hops. 
Gee ! Now we're in for it. 

First Novice. Infidels, O, Master; men without faith; men 
who would question. Drive them off, O, Master. 

The Master. Where's Colonelouse? 

First Novice. In the beloved land of Ger, O, Master. 

The Master. Then call Jotumul; hurry. 

First Novice. O, Master, we cannot. He's with your apos- 
tles in your Kingdom of the Bolshiwobs. 

The Master. Alone! Oh My! Oh My! Is that man 
Brandeg in the party? Go look. 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Is Brandeg 
there ? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. No; they're 
roughnecks. Tell the old man to hand them a lot of tall talk; 
they may fall for it. 

First Novice. They but crave an oracular pronouncement, 
O, Master. 

The Master. Excellent! Hand me Cong. Mess. A 4,906,- 
113, then admit them. 

[Delegation enters, and spokesman steps forward]. 

Spokesman. We are come. Sir, from your old land of US; 
from its State of Tex, where living no longer is tolera 

The Master [interrupting, and fumbling the pages of a 
book]. One moment, gentlemen. [Finding his place.] It af- 
fords me unusual pleasure to come before you today as I have 
to address you upon the following weighty matter. [Loses his 
place, but continues reading from another page.] When in the 
course of human events it becomes = 

Second Novice [whispering excitedly to First Novice]. Stop 
him; stop him! He's reading the Declaration of Independence 
and thinks it's his. He'll throw a fit when he comes to the rights 
of free and independent states; he loathes them. 



10 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

The Master [continuing] necessary for one people to dis- 
solve the political ban 

First Novice [clutches the Master's gown and zvhispers to 
him]. O, Master, pray let these foolish people speak; they'll 
the sooner be gone. 

The Master [closing the book]. On second thought, gentle- 
men, you had best proceed. Illuminated volumes of my Scrip- 
tures, done by my faithful Wilbayhale, will be handed you as 
you depart. 

Spokesman. From the State of Tex, Sir, we come, where 
living no longer is tolerable, because of soldiers from Mex who 
shoot up our towns and despoil us of our possessions. 

The Master [interrupting]. Have you applied to my Coun- 
cil of Nine? 

Spokesman. Yes, Sir, we've complied with all of your re- 
quirements. Months have been absorbed in formalities, great 
shipments of documentary evidence have been sent to the Council, 
innumerable witnesses have been sent overseas, but one member 
of the Council having refused his consent to our raising the 
armies necessary to our safety, we had recourse to the League's 
Assembly. There, after additional evidence had been presented, 
and more months consumed in a rehearing of our grievances 
against Mex, we found that a political cabal had been formed 
against us and we are now left without either redress or security. 
Meanwhile my wife has been killed, my daughter has bee 

The Master [interrupting]. Enough/ Now I understand; 
you are vengeful. Step aside, sir. 

Second Spokesman [coming forward]. O, Sir, be merciful. 
It has been as related. While we have been obediently and in 
good faith observing the rules of procedure prescribed by you 
for use in such cases, the enemy across the border, in defiance of 
the laws of God and man, has been cruelly raiding us. While 
we have been pleading and testifying and writing and sending 
delegations to the League, the enemy has been burning and steal- 
ing and shooting and ravishing. Now we are left without 
remedy; our cattle is gone, our property is 

The Master. Your cattle? Your property? You have 
property and dare come here! Financially interested, eh! Well, 
you, too, step aside. Is no honest man present? 

Third Spokesman [having been pushed forward by the dele- 
gates, who are now desperate and confused]. I, O, Sire, am an 
educationalist. Whilst I have come with these gentlemen for 
the pleasure of the trip I am wholly opposed to their philosophy 
of ownership. Now, if the people but owned the 



The New Earth and JJ'hat Bej ell Its Creator 1 1 

The Master. Ha! At last. Pause a moment, my dear sir; 
have you ever been in Mex? 

Third Spokesman. I have not, O, Sire. 

The Master. Nor near it? 

Third Spokesman. Nor near it, Sire. 

The Master. Nor ever seen a Mex? 

Third Spokesman. No, Sire. 

The Master. Nor heard of conditions in Mex, or in Tex? 

Third Spokesman. Nor even that, O, Sire. 

The Master. Good! Answer now faithfully: Do you 
know anything? or own anything? 

Third Spokesman. I neither know nor own anything, O, 
Sire; I am a Socialist. 

The Master [rubbing his hands]. Your name; your name! 

Third Spokesman. Boob, O, Sire. 

The Master. Excellent! Most excellent/ Come sit at my 
feet; we shall need you in our coun fFho said that? [turn- 
ing angrily to the delegation]. Who said. Oh Hellf 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice']. Who said, 
Oh Hell? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. That man 
with black on his arm. Tell the old man it was O, Hail; he'll 
fall for it. 

First Novice. It was, O Hail, O, Master; they but mutter 
their prayers in worship. 

The Master. Good! Reward them. 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Say; what's 
that kid with the chalk writing on the wall ? 

First Novice [excitedly]. A Sign! A Sign! 

The Master [arising]. Where? 

First Novice [pointing to the writing on the wall]. Surely 
a Sign, O, Master; but pray let these infidels be gone. All save 
the boy ; we must reverence him. 

The Master [turning solemnly to the delegation]. Gentle- 
men, a most urgent message from On High has just been vouch- 
safed me, and I must enter into communion with myself — with, 
I mean, the August Powers whom I represent, and whom you 
obey. Therefore, I bid you be of good cheer, and depart con- 
fident in my assurance that you have been deceived, for your 
eyes are dim and your ears are in error. You may be sure that 
all is right with the world, for I am the Light. 

[Delegation hesitates, then shuffles out with loud mutter- 
ings.] 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. Gee! but 
they're mad! 



12 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

First Novice. Hush; I am worshipping. 

The Master. Now, for the Sign; where Is the seraph who 
inscribed it? 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Where is the 
seraph who inscribed it? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice']. The kid's 
skipped. His old man lambasted him for marking things up. 

First Novice. The seraph has vanished, O, Master. 

The Master. Vanished! Wonder on wonder! "Out of 

the mouths of " Let us descend and read. 

[The Master descends and approaches the wall.] 

The Master [ww5;«^/>']. G D L O N. GDLON. What 
on earth shall I be able to make those letters to mean ! I must 
instantly prepare this miraculous manifestation for the press. 
It'll astound the world. Let's see — G is for gracious, or great, 
or glorious, — Glorious will do. D ; what can I make D stand 
for? D— D— D — Oh, Divinity, of course. Glorious Divinity, 
of course. Glorious Divinity — that's a fine start; but what can 
I make of L? L-L-L — I can't think. [Turning to. First Nov- 
ice.] Call Professor Boob. 

First Novice [to Second Novice]. Call Professor Boob. 

Second Novice [grasping the professor by the sleeve and 
dragging him along]. Say, Boob, his nibs wants you. 

The Master. Professor, what have you taught? 

Boob. Internationalism, — history and economics, I mean, O, 
Sire; but now I am an Egyptologist. 

The Master. Excellent! Excellent! Pray interpret these 
hieratic symbols, so miraculously inscribed. A correct under- 
standing of them will be helpful to plain men everywhere, to 
whom we must not deny some little share in our greatness. O, 
Boob, we must ever think of those whose hearts beat beneath 
the shabby coats of the world. For the trials of such men I 
weep constantly, constantly, — but begin. 

Boob [slowly tracing the characters with his finger] . G. G is 
the seventh letter of the English alphabet. It was constructed out 
of C by the Romans. While it has a Greek counterpart, its ap- 
pearance here cannot be attributed to one of the Greek gods, 
for it may be assumed he would have used the Greek form. We 
must, therefore, conclude that the deity who employed it in this 
case was educated, perhaps, during the height of Roman power, 
— in Caesar's time, I assume, — so it is clear to me that as you, 
O, Illustrious Sire, are to the modern world what that puny 
leader was to a punier day, Divinity is about to confer upon 
you — may I not genuflect, O, Sire? — a station exalted beyond 
the comprehension of man. I say, about to occur, advisedly. 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 13 

Observe that the hierograph G precedes the remainder of the 
divine message. 

The Master. O, prescient man; O, reader of the Thought 
of God, — how shall I reward you ? 

Boob. O, Sire, merely to kiss the hem of your robe is enough. 
May I not proceed? 

The Master. Proceed! 

Boob. Now, observe closely, O, Sire. D, being the fourth 
letter of the alphabet is but three removed from A, the character 
which in Greek is alpha, meaning the first, the beginning, with 
nothing before or above it. Alpha, of course, can signify only 
the ultimate Deity. Thus it is plain that the exalted station 
which G has prophesied for you and D fulfills is that of a deity 
of the fourth order — urn — the fourth order; I don't much like 
that, O, Sire. But let us read further, — it may be that later on 
you are to be promoted. 

The Master. Hurry! Read on. [IFith irritation] Novke, 
shut off the dictaphone till we get this point straightened out. 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Hold your 
hand over the dictaphone till the Master smiles; then take it off. 
Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. It's busted; 
you know that. Yesterday's Adoration put it on the bum. 

Boob [tracing the letter L]. Approaching L, O, Sire, in the 
light of — Help! O, Sire, Help/ Somebody's hit me in the 
mouth. It's a ^00^; It came through that window. [Pointing]. 
Protect me, O, Sire. That vile book; they threw it at me/ That 
Munchausen book/ [Kicks it, weeping]. 

The Master. The Guard/ The Guard/ Where's Newty- 
becker? O, Newtyhecker/ 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Where's New- 
tyhecker ? 

Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. In Messypo- 
tamy, with half the army of US; and they're having the devil 
of a time. 

First Novice. Newtybecker, O, Sire, makes pilgrimage to 
the Holy Land. 

The Master. Well, then shut that window. 
First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. JVho threw it? 
Second Novice [whispers to First Novice]. One of them 
T-Roos; they hate a liar. 

[Discordant cheers and the sound of a ram's horn are 
heard in the Temple yard.] 
The Master. Ho! I am acclaimed at last! Worshippers, 
indeed! Who comes? 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice]. Who comes? 



14 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

Second Novice [Goes out, and comes running back; whispers 
excitedly to First Novice']. Lord! It's the Bolshewobs ! The 
whole dam family! 

First Novice [jumping up and down]. They've come! 
They've come! O, Master. They've come! 

The Master. Happy, happy day! [Rushes to the throne.] 
Roll hither before me the twin thrones; hurry down the carpet 
rug. Here, pull this confounded Covenant thing out of the way, 

and light the tapers. There! I am read fFait a minute; 

where is Boob? [Boob approaches and genuflects]. Boob, when- 
ever there's a pause you shout : O refulgent luminary of the 

world! Now then, the gates. 

[Enter dishevelled heralds, clad in rags and diamonds, 
blowing ram's horns; behind the heralds a youth, 
carrying in his hands a wooden box.] 

Youth [sets box on the floor before the Master's throne, and 
mounts it]. O, most exalt 

Boob [bows toward the throne and interrupts, shouting]. O, 
refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [begins again]. O, most exalted and subli 

Boob [bows and shouts]. O, refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [again]. O, most exalted and sublime ruler of 
manki 

Boob [shouts]. O, refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [again and louder]. O, most exalted and sublime 
ruler of mankind, we of your Near Eastern 

Boob [huskily]. O, refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [still louder]. O, most exalted and sublime ruler of 
mankind, we of your near Eastern realm prostrate our 

Boob [more huskily]. O, refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [shouts]. O, most exalted and sublime ruler of man- 
kind, we of your Near Eastern realm prostrate ourselves before 
you. We come upon pilgrimage to this sacred shrine to worship 
the Pro 

Boob [weakly]. O, refulgent luminary of the world! 

Youth [sh?-illy]. O, most exalted and sublime ruler of man- 
kind, we of your Near Eastern realm prostrate ourselves before 
you. We come upon pilgrimage to this sacred shrine to worship 
the Proletariat's patron saint, the promised Messiah of his 
people, the 

Boob [faltering]. O, re ful gent lum i nary of the world! 

The Master. Boob; that will do. Now let the gentleman 
proceed. 

Youth. We come, O gracious Sire, your humble temporal 
rulers of revolutionized mankind, to kiss the feet of him who 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 15 



led the way and taught the world the worthlessness of brains, 
the wickedness of wealth, to distrust all knowledge and to despise 
the story of the past poor fools call history. Behold, O, Sire, 
They are here! — the great Kings Trotz and Len, with the chief 
nobles of your Eastern realm, and the precious specimens who 
hither came aboard your sacred Ark, the unwashed from the 
Washington, — we greet you, all, O, Master of the World! 

[Enter Kings Trotz and Len, unshaven, in tatters, and 
covered with jewels, followed by a nondescript ret- 
inue, including the inmates of the Hotel Crillon, la 
Mais on des Foiis.^ 

Second Novice [in consternation]. Holy Madison Square! 

Youth [trembling]. Who said, Madison Square! [Begins 
to weep.] The cops' II come! Oh, let me out; please let me out! 

Second Novice [grasping the youth by the coat and pulling 
him dozvn]. Say, you, kid, you're all right. Come off your 
Babbitt throne and let the highbinder gents chirp up for them- 
selves. 

Youth [wipes his eyes]. How'd my spiel go? 

Second Novice. Bully; but where'd you get that "exalted 
and sublime" stuff? 

Youth. Rand School course, "How to Get Next at Wash- 
ington in Three Yelps," fifteen dollars. 

Second Novice. Say! but they know him. 

The Master [addressing Kings Trotz and Len, who have 
approached the twin thrones which are facing the Master]. 
Pray, be seated, your Majesties. You do me great honor. Did 
you have a pleasant journey? While you are resting I must 
tell you a story, a really excellent story. It's about being familiar. 
When you getinto a new place and want to make believe people 
are applauding you, you tell this story, — very loudly, of course, 
and laugh heartily. The press gets it, and it's wired everywhere 
that the place has slapped you on the back, as it were. I pulled 
it off, let me see, was it first at the Guildhall? or was it in Scot- 
land, or maybe Manchester? However, when I hit Boston on 
the rebound and lit in the midst of its dead fish cold storage plant, 
that story, — well, it saved my life. I just told it, and laughed, 
and laughed, and laugh Why, what's the matter ? 

Youth [bows]. Their majesties are very hungry, O, Sire. 

The Master [springs up in anger]. What! Whovr didn't 
feed them! Did not feed my children! Why, I ordered for 
the Bolshewobs the very food out of the mouths of the stupid 
poor of US, — Steward! O, Steward! 

First Novice [calls]. Steward, O, Stezvard! 

Steward [appears]. Yes, O, Master. 



16 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

The Master. Lead these gentlemen to the — the — the salle 
a manger, I believe it's pronounced, and serve them royally. 

Steward. Yes, O, Master. Shall I set the knives and forks, 
O, Master? 

The Master. Why, certainly; the very best. 

Steward. But, O, Master, they are silver! 

The Master. Well, perhaps our guests will prefer the royal 
pewter set, the very royal pewter set. 

Steward. And napkins, O, Master, or towels? 

The Master. Towels; the old bath tow , the ancient 

royal linen from Princeton, O, Steward. Our beloved and royal 
guests must have the best, the very best. {Turns to Kings Trotz 
and Len, who, having climbed out of their thrones, are violently 
scratching themselves and edging toward the steward]. Gentle- 
men, a repast awaits you; a very sumptuous repast; pray follow 
the steward into the salle a-a-a; — well, just follow the steward, 
gentlemen; he knows. 

[The Steward hurriedly disappears, followed in furious 
haste by Kings Trotz and Len, their ragged followers, 
and the inmates of la Mais on des Fous.] 

The Master. Now for a moment's repose ! Come, Boob, 
tell me what they think of me in US. I dream of US fondly at 
times. 

Boob. O, Most High, there the people worship you. Your 
exalted. name is writ in gold above every altar. Each day at 
noon the bells are rung in a new chime, which spells out in 
silvery cadence the title that men call you by. Then, for five 
minutes, all labor stops, the populace drop upon their knees and 
with hands uplifted and downstreaming eyes they proclaim you 
the Deity. 

The Master. 'Tis hard, dear Boob, to wear such cares. 
The crown of Deity is but a tawdry bauble, so weighty the 
thought that it bears down upon. I sometimes wish that I were 
naught but man, and that another shaped the Universe. Omnis- 
cience has its pains and omnipotence its — are you getting all 
this? — and omnipotence its labors. Still, even a god's work 

must be done, so why should I compla do I go too fast? 

— so why should I complain? Now, Boob, when you give that 
to the A. P. say in the summary that it was overheard in the 
sanctuary, where I was discovered in an agony of remonstrance 
because of the sins of the world. By the way, what's Doug 
Fairbanks doing in his latest reel? I'm hungry for the show, 

but since I've been Go , been here, I mean, I haven't kept 

up with the movies. 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 17 

First Novice. O, Master, the hour of daily audience ap- 
proaches. 

The Master. Dear! Dear! The people are 50 distressing. 
Why cannot they stay in their place ! / don't want to see them. 
Complaints, complaints, nothing but complaints! And so stupid; 
they don't know that things are right even when / say they are 
right. But seeing them is part of my duty; I must pretend to 
listen. 

First Novice. The pilgrims, O, Master, await without. 

The Master. Well; open the gates. 
[Enter pilgrims.] 

First Novice. O, Master, I present Signor O, from the 
land of It. 

The Master [mumbUng']. Yes, we've met; I don't ''ke him. 
[Jloiid] Approach, subject from the land of It. 

Signor O. O, Sire, hoping you will let bygones be bygones, 
I come to offer the homage of the ancient and noble city of Ro, 
the which you did honor with your august presence upon a memo- 
rable occasion. The poor of that city, who then honored them- 
selves by saluting you, have charged me, indeed, with a delicate 
mission. The customary benefice, O, Sire, which royal visitors 
bestow upon the poor of Ro has from time immemorial been a 
sum well set in custom, and equal to ten thousand dols of the 
money of US. This, O, Sire, of course, you did not know; 
but, may it please your Excellency, the poor of Ro did not know 
that you did not know. So they have charged themselves with 
the two hundred and fifty dols which in your generosity you so 
impulsively gave them, and have bid me to hand you this memo- 
randum covering the balance due, which, O, Sire, they trust you 
will graciously send back by me 

The Master [angrily]. Bursar? 

Bursar [appears]. Yes, O, Master. 

The Master. Go; get ten thousand dols from Kings Trotz 
and Len, and pay this man. Put the change in the cash drawer; 
we must be thrifty. Next! 

First Novice. I present, O, Master, Chief of the Workless 
Day Association, and his delegation. He says he represents 
twenty million persons who are being compelled to work for their 
living against their will. 

The Master [arises and bows]. Mr. Chief and gentlemen, 
I esteem it a very great pleasure to find myself in this distin- 
guished company, and in the companionship of the oppressed. 
When so exalted a body of the people is present one can assume 
a pose. May I say, therefore, that one of the things that has 
supported me in recent months is the unqualified hope that men 



18 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

have entertained everywhere of Immediate emancipation from 
labor and the necessity of having to pay their bills. Still, you 
cannot in human experience rush into the light — it is often not 
wise — because of the moral rectitude of mankind. But we must 
nevertheless venture upon the unmapped seas with audacity, be- 
cause we are without charts and without seamen. My navy 
having removed the mines and my imagination the rocks we may 
safely proceed, I know not whither, with that steadiness of pur- 
pose which is necessary in such novel circumstances. So, my 
friends, my very dear friends, while we are weaving out of the 
old garments of experience and knowledge and caution the new 
garments of ignorance and recklessness which it is now necessary 
that men should wear, I like to believe it to have been my privi- 
lege to be the first to introduce this kind of thinking for man- 
kind, human thinking, if you will; thinking that is made up of 
comprehension of the needs of mankind, not of well washed 
persons, for most persons are not well washed, but of the Bol- 
shlwobs, they that think without knowledge the very common 
thoughts of mankind. God grant that there may be many of 
them. 

[Wild applause.] 

Chief. Now see here; that bull's great, but what we want to 
know is. Do we knock off work with full pay, or don't we? 

The Master [ho'ivs'\. Most certainly, gentlemen, most cer- 
tainly, — if you have the votes. 

Chief [indignantly^. The votes! What th' hell! Ask the 
I Woody Willies ; they know. 

The Master [benignly^. I get you. Bursar! 

Bursar [appears^. Yes, O, Master. 

The Master. Give these gentlemen what they want. 

Bursar. Who shall I take it from, O, Master? 

The Master. From the farmers. Next! 

First Novice. I present, O, Master, the Master Granger 
of US, and his associates. They wish more profit and complain 
of grievous carrying charges and delays. 

The Master [flushing^. Gentlemen, I assume that you have 
heard and comprehended my address just delivered, and there- 
fore are content with my plans for your welfare. Unless you 
have some pressing thing to say, which I assume you have not, 
I shall have you shown over the temple and given souvenirs as 
you depart. The charges will be reason 

Master Granger [firmly; interrupting']. But, Mr. Presi- 
dent, we are here on business. We can't stand the racket any 
longer. No cars, no routing, no service, enormous charges, and 
huge losses from spoilage and deaths on the road. When we 



The New Earth and PVhat Befell Its Creator 19 



kick, the R.A. laughs, and tells us to charge our losses to the 
people. Now the Throttlemen's Union wants to grab the 
roads, and it tells us all to go to hell. 

The Master [soothingly^. Tut! Tut! Be calm. Do the 
people complain? 

Master Granger. No-o-o. 

The Master [sharply^. Well, what are you kicking about? 
Next! 

First Novice. O, Master, here is a stranger who insists 
upon speaking. He seems aroused and I fear for his tongue. 
But he will be heard. He calls himself a plain man, and says 
he comes from Everywhere, wherever that may be. May he 
speak? 

The Master [turning abruptly upon the stranger]. Well, 
what do you want? 

Plain Man. Mr. President — I refuse to address you as Sire, 
as others do, — I am merely a plain man, who usually is patient 
and seldom complains. My daily work I do cheerfully, I support 
my family decently, and perform my citizen's duties as faithfully 
as I can. Once I was your admirer, and I have long been your 
unquestioning follower. When you led me away from the 
War, I turned my back on it and was happy; when you told me 
it did not concern me, and that there was no need to fear it or 
to make plans or weapons for my defense, I was guided by you 
and was contentedly idle. Yours was my conscience, and yours, 
my judgment. When you were assailed because of our una- 
venged dead in Mexico, and the sea, I turned to God for com- 
fort, and to you for guidance. When men called you a craven 
leader, a renegade American executive, I smote them and drove 
them from the speaking places, and returned you to office. 
The Master [starting to rise, with hand uplifted]. I 

Plain Man [continuing]. Please, sir, bear with me patiently; 
I have the right to be heard, because it is in my name that you 
have claimed to act. When at last the war overtook you and 
found us both unprepared, it found me nevertheless still your 
loyal follower, uncomplainingly doing your will, whether it 
seemed to me wise or unwise. To your taxgatherers I opened 
my purse unresistingly, and to your agents gave all else that I 
owned, believing you to be a wise, an efficient, a frugal admin- 
istrator, too honorable to be wasteful, and too just to be partial 
in the distribution of burdens and benefits. 

The Master [rising, angrily]. Stop! Not for a moment 

will I sub 

Plain Man [quietly stepping forward]. You shall submit, 
Mr. President. Long have I listened to you with respect; now 



20 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 



you shall listen to me with patience. {Earnestly.'] Uncomplain- 
ingly I put into your hands my sons. Blood of my blood I 
poured into the forces of which it was your first duty under the 
Constitution to be Commander-in-Chief. I believed you to be 
a compassionate man, a father, loving only his country more than 
its youth. Bone of my bone I thus gave to you gladly, joyously, 
even though with tears, believing you would guard it as the 
apple of your eye, nurturing its strength, shielding its inexperi- 
ence, and spending it — yes, spending in the crucial hour — but 
oh, so judiciously, with the miserly wisdom of a great and hu- 
mane leader of men. I believed you to be foreseeing and pre- 
cautious; I assumed you had wisely provided in advance every 
instrumentality that would make for the protection and success 
of those who should come into your hands. The knowledge of 
a long war was at your command, and the means of the world's 
wealthiest nation. You should not have been misinformed, nor 
were you restricted by the poverty of your people, nor restrained 
by their unwillingness to follow you. My sons, I devotedly 
thought, would therefore be sent forth at the historic moment, 
lacking nothing, well drilled in the consummate art of war, to 
be spent without waste by your wisest soldier. Thus, I trusted 
you, Mr. President. 

[Plain Man pauses, approaches the Master, raises his 
hand and continues.] 

Now I have come for an accounting. Why were my sons so 
illy cared for, and those dependent upon them whom they left? 
Why were my sons so tardily trained? Why, so wretchedly 
equipped? Why, with all your knowledge of events and your 
profligate expenditure must they have fought with borrowed 
arms, or with none, — sometimes with none? Why are so many 
missing? Why, so many maimed? 

The Master [excitedly]. Victory; all were given for Vic- 
tory/ 

Plain Man [coldly]. For victory; yes, some of them. As 
for the rest, I point you to yonder harvest of folly, white tablets 
bearing indelibly the inscription, "Died, not for country, but to 
teach a fatuous government the needs of war." Grim conse- 
quences, these, of your having kept your people unprepared. 
Woe to you, sir, who led your countrymen -into the valley of 
death, their hands empty of weapons. At last are they justified 
whom you reviled for the truth they spake. 

The Master [enraged]. You shall not go on! You shall 
not go 

Plain Man [firmly]. I may not be stopped, for I represent 
the People; they to whom you have ever appealed. I am Public 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 21 

Opinion, and express the awakened consciousness — and con- 
science — of the nation. All power has been yours; I am come 
now to render judgment upon your stewardship, — and you shall 
hear me. I have given you more than my sons; my liberties. 
Confidingly I have put these also into your hands, and have made 
of you the trustee of freeman's rights, blood earned, that had 
come to me out of centuries of struggle for personal liberty, and 
out of our war for national independence. These rights I 
put into your hands for my country's sake, to be returned to 
me at peace, neither violated nor diminished. What power over 
me you sought, that I gave to you gladly. You conscripted my 
flesh, I did not resist; you drew a veil over my eyes, I was con- 
tent to be blind in your keeping; you stopped my ears, I was con- 
tent to be deaf; you bridled my tongue, and I was content to 
be silent. You framed my thoughts and ruled my consciousness, 
and my feet were guided in the darkness with which you had 
surrounded me, not by my will but by your will. Not only did 
my physical being go unresistingly into your hands, but my spirit- 
ual being as well. And there also went into your keeping the 
national patrimony of my children, born and unborn. Whilst 
I lay thus unresisting what was not done to debauch my spirit 
and to drug my mind, so that I could be the more easily stripped 
of my liberties, and my country shorn of the sovereign rights 
and defensive strength upon which my safety and its independence 
depend ! With cunning and subterfuge I have been systemat- 
ically deprived of my powers of judgment; by the deceptions 
that have been practiced upon me my moral sensibilities have 
been almost destroyed. The lie has been pronounced the truth, 
and the truth the lie. Beneath the hands of your invisible agents 
the day's news has grown so untrustworthy that men no longer 
know truth from falsehood, nor fact from fiction. In the realm 
of public thought you have had your will of the people until men 
have nearly ceased to distinguish right from wrong. So debased 
has become the public spirit that it no longer knows loyalty from 
disloyalty, or patriotism from national apostasy. The seditious 
are exalted, while the steadfast lover of his country is cast down. 
The patriot is contemptuously thrust aside, and his liberties are 
delivered into the keeping of those who despise his traditions; 
while his national beliefs are laughed to scorn by enemies of his 
institutions who, in specious Christian phraseology, preach with 
impunity the insidious doctrines of national ruin. Even the in- 
tegrity of our tongue has been corrupted, for our speech ceased 
to carry its accustomed conviction when with dextrous cunning 
there began to be woven into its rugged substance your fair- 
seeming flowers of promise, which wither ere they are plucked. 



22 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

And now, astride the wreckage of nations, you pose as the 
arbiter of mankind, offering to deliver your country's wealth, 
its military control and its sovereignty, as the price for which 
the world is to bear you aloft on its shoulders. Was ever so 
colossal a bribe laid upon the council table of the nations? 
Was ever a man able to offer a bankrupt Europe so great a 
prize as the wealth, the sword, and the liberties of the world's 
most powerful and prosperous nation, in exchange for a frac- 
tional participation in a mongrel superstate by which he was to 
be accepted as its master? Was ever an American president so 
recreant to blood and trust that he could have defaulted his 
executive duties, removed himself to foreign parts, and offered 
the Old World a restoration of its control of the New, despite 
the cost and glory of the latter's independence, which was won 
with its blood, vindicated by more than a century' of unequalled 
progress, and hallowed by documents among the most sacred 
written by the hand of man? 

Sir, I am come to say to you that despite these things, and the 
insidious and subversive craftsmanship practised within the 
shadow of your office by the Implacable enemies of our national 
life, who despise that trust in God which men call patriotism, our 
country will survive a free and independent nation, while those 
who love it will take it once more into their tender keeping and 
mend it of the damage it has suffered at your hands. 

[Plain Man turns abruptly on his heel and goes out.] 

First Novice \^shrieking^. Be quick, O, Master, a miracle. 
Cause a miracle and destroy him. 

Second Novice [^whistles to himself^. Hol-ee smoke! 
Jfliat a lashing! 

Boob [whispers from behind the throne^. Jail him, Sire; 
Jail him. It's blasphemous/ 

The Master [in a hoarse whisper^. I can't; he's too many 
— now. [Slowly pulls himself out of a heap on the throne and 
struggles to his feet.] Dear, dear! it's 7nost distressing. No; 
No/ [angrily]. Its 7nore than that; it is damned, dam — [more 
angrily] it's — it's — he — Oh, shucks, what was it I said to the 
Democratic National Committee about Brandegee ? — Well he's 
—he's THAT/ [Wearily.] Where \s Docmiral? 

First Novice. He's delousing your royal guests, O, Master. 
Shall I fetch him? 

The Master. Never mind; a movie will do, — the last dance 
reel from my palace on the Bosporus. Oh, dear; Oh, dear. 

Second Novice [comes from the gate, grinning; whispers to 
First Novice]. Say; there's a circus outside. A wild Irishman 
wants to see the old man. Let's have him in for fun. Maybe 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 23 

it'll cheer up the old boy. That last fellow was awful. 

First Novice. A pilgrim awaits, O, Master, who would 

amuse you. An Irishman 

The Master. An Irishman! No. Tell him the Irish ques- 
tion is settled. I'll see no one else. 

First Novice [whispers to Second Novice^. You go tell him 
that. 

Second Novice [going reluctantly to the gate]. Gee! 

[Irishman, in mudstained trousers and red shirt, his 
sleeves rolled up, is seated on the temple steps, con- 
tentedly smoking a clay pipe. By his side are pick 
and shovel; on the ground at his feet a slab of stone, 
with a rope about it.] 
Irishman [as Second Novice approaches]. Now, thin, son, 
do Oi git in? 

Second Novice [grinning]. Nope; he says the Irish ques- 
tion's settled. That means you. 

Irishman [hounding to his feet]. Sittled; Sittled, is it! 
Nivver. The Irish'll not ha-ave it sittled. An' him a Dimy- 
crat! Wurra, wurra, 'tis a bad da-ay, this. 

Second Novice. Well, I guess you'll be going. 
Irishman [excitedly]. Goin', is it? JVa-atch me. Av I 
don't go troo that dure pa-aceable, ye-11 ha-ave to sind f'r a 
noo wan. Do ye see this pick? Wa-al, Oi wurrked me way 
over th' Atlanthic O-otchun wid it, an over ?7rope, an' 
oop these moontains, shweatin' loike McKeever's red goat, an' 
mebbe it'll hould out till I see th' ma-an as ses th' Irish quis- 
tion's sittled. Now, thin, do it be as a gintlemin that Oi pa-ay 
me rispicts, — or otherwoise? 

Second Novice [returns indoors and whispers to First Nov- 
ice]. Say, you've ^0/ to fix it, or he'll smash up the place. Tell 
his nibs a friend of Jotumul's is calling. 

First Novice. O, Master, it is a distinguished friend of 
Jotumul who awaits without. He urgently craves audience. 

The Master [peevishly]. Won't he go to the side entrance 
and see the steward? — the food's there. 

First Novice. No, O, Master, he is a personage ; he insists. 
The Master [arises, goes to the reading desk and opens the 
New Freedom]. Oh, well. 

[Second Novice goes out and leads in Irishman, who 

stops in the doorway, looks quizzically about, and 

then turns toward the Master.] 

Irishman [to Second Novice]. An' this is th' Timple av 

Cowld Fe-et, is't? An' him th' Grea-at Joss! Gorry; all in 

whoite an' blissed lookin', he is. It's f'r his po-olytical wa-ake 



24 The New Earth and What Refell Its Creator 

he's drissed, I do be thinkin'. Do OI woipe me feet? 

Second Novice [moving forward]. Nope; just come along. 

Irishman [advances a few steps, then stops, and looks at the 
wall]. Who'd be afther markin' oop a wall loike that, now? 

Second Novice [mischievously]. Don't touch it; that's a 
Si^n; mystic words, — from Heaven. 

Irishman [faces the inscription]. From Hiven, is it? 
Thim angels wroite loike th' childher in th' Four-rt Wa-ard. 
Wha— at's a mees—tick worriid? 

Second Novice [solemnly]. A miraculous message chalked 
up by God. 

Irishman [grinning]. Oi get ye; just loike th' schore f'r 
drhinks in Casey's. Sa-ay, be th' Grea-at Joss givin' cridit, too? 

Second Novice [in a mysterious zvhisper]. No; no. The 
Heavenly Powers performed a miracle, and sent this message 
to the Master. 

Irishman [scratching his head]. Th' divil they did! An' 
wh-at did they sa-ay? A meer^cle, is it ! Chalk's no meer^cle, 
an'-an'-an' [begins slowly to laugh]. G-D's no hivenly Ian- 
wi'ge, aither. Oi have it! Thim's th' two worruds Oi say 
whiniver I bust me pick! Now, thin, who be they cussin' out? 

L-L-L , that beint f'r his name. No more is O; nor N. 

[Suddenly slaps his leg.] Oi have it; Oi have it; an its roight 
they ar-re. That's what's th' matther wid th' worruld ! It's .th' 
Pla-ague av Na— ashuns they be givin' him hell about. So on to 
th' fra-ay, young ma-an; lade me to him, for Oi've a few foine 
mees— tic worruds av me own to whisper to him. 

[Irishman approaches the altar, mops his face with a red 
handkerchief, and waits for the Master, who turns 
toward him from the reading desk.] 

Irishman. Evnin' misther; it's war-rum climbin' wid me 
tools, an th' bit of shtone yonder. 

The Master [indulgently]. Good evening. Mister 
Mac ? 

Irishman [interrupting]. O'i'm no Mac, ye'r honor, nor am 
Oi an O'. Me name's NsLy-missus, an' Oi'm on th' thrail av a 
shlippery sphalpeen who fa— aces more ways than th' clock av 
City Hall Par-rk. 

The Master. Well, my good fellow, tell me all about him. 

Irishman. Oi will, sor, whin Oi catch me brith. It's a sa-ad 
shtory, ye'r honor, an' th' coorts av f/rope'l be wearin' sac'-cloth 
an' la-afin' thimsilves to death whin he blows oop. 

The Master [laughing]. Who is this unfortunate person. 
Mister, — Mister? 

Irishman. Misther Na.y-missus, sor, is me name. Wa-al, 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 25 

it's this wa-ay. There was wanst a ma-an leanin' out av a 
Noo Jar-rsy windy awatchin' Misther Car-rnaygie coom down 
th shtrate, whin his unlovin' frinds they took a hop an' a lep an' 
kicked him so hoigh he fell forninst th' Whoite House chimbly, 
slid down th' flue, an' whin he woke oop th' byshtanders war 
handin' him bo— kays an tellin' him he war a grea— at ma-an. 
Thin he ses to th' byes, Coom in whiniver ye're by; th' dure 
av this house'l shwing in an' out for a— all th' pa-aple. Thin he 
kissed thim good bye an' shlammed th' gate, an' set th' toime lock 
to go arf in four-r year-rs. Soon th' grasers in Mixico kilt 
Misthress Mulcahey an' th' childher, an' burnt th' pigs, an' pla- 
ayed ta-ag wid our sojers, an' raised ballyhoo wid th' bordher 
av th' C/nited Sthates, an' th' ma-an in th' Whoite House be th' 
misthake av God, he sinds the grasers his cowplimints an' begs 
the'r par-rdon f'r th' wa-ar av eighteen four-rty sivin, an' 
tells Mulcahey to git th' hell out av Texas, an' rayturn th' 
grasers bullits wid t'anks. Nixt cooms th' murtherin' Imperor 
an' ses, "Sam, git out av th' wa-ther," an' he shlaps th' ould 
ma— an's face, an' kicks his pa-ants, an' pushes him over th' fince, 
an' doomps him inter th' shwill. Thin th' hermit, bad cess to 
him, looks out av th' Whoite House windy and ses to Sam, 
"Now, will ye be good, an love th' Dootchman, and kape out 
av th' Imperor's wa-ther?" Thin he kisses his ha-an' to th' 
murtherin Imperor, wishes him a happy birt'day, an' goes back 
to his worrud mill. Be th' powers ! I think t'will be th' death 
av th' C/nited Sthates, that worrud mill. 

The Master \^colors; grows stern and abrupt^. Your audi- 
ence is ended; you may go, sir. 

Irishman. Wa-ait a bit, ye'r honor, wa-ait a bit. Oi've 
only joost inthrochoosed mesilf. Oi have a missage f'r ye, an' 
me jooty compils me to ha— and it to ye. 

The Master [turning to First Novice]. Show this gentle- 
man out. 

Irishman. Oi said, ye'r honor, that Oi've a missage f'r ye. 
Thim as sint me war so manny 'twud be th' death av me did Oi 
play flip flops. 

First Novice. This way, sir. 

Irishman [to First Novice]. Not "this wa-ay," at all, me 
angel fa-aced laddybuck. Me name's Nd-y-misstis, an' Oi'm 
on th' job till 'tis don'. Be th' pick in me han', Oi'U go by anny 
ma-an that shtops me ! 

Boob [whispers to the Master]. Be careful, Sire, he is vio- 
lent; let me reason with him. 

The Master [to Boob]. Go ahead, then. 



28 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

Irishman. Well, to make me sthory shor-rt; whoile th' 
profissor wur argyin' wid th' bra-ave wans, th' byes they ru-un 
betwane his legs, an' undher his ar-rms, an' jined th' foight, 
an' hilped t'ro' th' Dootchma-an down, an' belted his shlats, an' 
wur joost on th' pint av loppin' th' boomp av conquisht out 
av th' Hu— uns head whin oop goes his ban's, an he asks f'r 
a gla-ass av wa— ther. Thin in rooshes th' bra— ave ta-acher, 
an' shouts to th' throops, "Shtop, ye murtherers, me frind's 
hurted an' hoongry; give him ye'r grub an' lave him be." "Say 
ye're sorry, an Oi'll sa— ave ye," ses he to th' Hu— un. "Sorry, 
Oi am," ses th' Hu— un. "Say it four-rteen wa-ays, an loi 
shtill while Oi talk to thim." "Oi'll say it four-rteen hoonrh- 
red wa— ays av ye'U kape thim f'm sma— ashin' me windys." 
Thin oop gits th' profissor to his full statoo, puts a fut 'pon 
th' Dootchma-an's belly, raises wan ban' alof, tucks t'other 
into his vist, loike Naypo— olyan, an' shouts at th' top av 
his be-eutyful v'ice, "Oi done it!" "Gr— reat!" says C/rope, 
"Coom, cilibra— ate th' victhry be doin me worruk, an' lindin' 
me money, an' sindin' ye'r sojer byes f'river to polis me ba— ack 
ya-ard, an' kape in me pocket all th' la— and, an' pa-aples, 
an' moins, an' ivrythin' else Oi've had to burthen mesilf wid 
to make th' worruld sa-afe f'r dimocracy." "Oi will that," 
ses th' profissor, "av ye'll call th' avil thing be a blissed na- 
ame, an' make me th' king av it." "Done!" ses C/rope. "Call 
it what ye loike an' be pope av ye wa-ant to, but pick oop me 
an' me throubles, an' lift us onto ye'r shoulders, an' be quick 
about it, there's a good lad." So home th' victhorious shtates- 
ma-an cooms, wid a poiyus fa-ace an' a pra-ay'r in his v'ice, 
an' shtarts in da— vyous ways his wondhers to perfor— rm. 
Fir-rst, he bores undher th' groun' wid manin'less worruds 
that ar-re excoitin', nixt he puts his ban' to his ear an ses, 
"Don't 'e hear th' v'ices callin' f'rm th' air-r?" Thin th' 
pa-aple, bein' busy wid the'r affay'rs, look oop an' ses, "Av 
coor-rse we do; hurry th' job. We don't know what ye're 
sayin' but it sounds loike musik." Thin he hoires th' Methry- 
politan Op'ry House to utther a deefyant pa-ace whoop, tells 
th' Sinit, that sed, "Go shlow, me bye," it's deeschar-rged, 
leps into th' air an cooms down sphrawlin' on th' back av 
f/rope, kerwhack! "Ouch!" ses f/rope, in four-rty sivin la- 
angwi'ges, "Me cor-rns! Me cor-rns! Ye're on me feet!" 
"Shut oop!" ses th' profissor, "That's not pa-ain, that's pla- 
asure; ye're glad to see me back, av coor-rse." "Av coor- 
rse," ses t/rope, lookin' at his thrunks, filled wid grub an' 
goold an' mitcheenry an' ivry fruit av th' soil an' moin, "Av 
coor-rse we're glad to see ye. This way, porther, carry th' 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 29 



gintlemin's thrunks into me celly an' lock thim oop; he moight 
be forgitful an take thim awa-ay." "Noiv will ye listhen to 
me?" ses th' profissor to Claymonsoo an' th' shly little Welsh 
bye that a-always win's, an' th' polite Oitalyin gintlemin av 
th' noice fa-ace, "Will ye listhen to me now?" ses he, pintin' 
to th' luggage. ''Av coor-rse we'll listhen;" ses thr-ray four- 
rths av th' big four-r, "how much does it weigh?" "Eno'," 
ses th' profissor, "to buy me th' ta-allist pidisthal an' th' most 
collosyal statoo forninst th' worruld's ha-all av fame." 
"Roight-o," ses th' cute little Welshman, "me thruck'li call 
f'r ye'r luggage this day. Where shall we build ye'r gr-reat 
monnymint?" "In Genevy," ses th' profissor, "it'll be quiet 
loike there, wid no wa-ar to jar-r me. It's fla-anked be moon- 
tains that are har-rd on sojers feet, so Oi kin pla-ay wid th' 
worruld in sa-af'ty." "It's to pla-ay wid th' worruld, that 
ye're afther, is it?" ses th' shly wan, winkin' at Claymonsoo. 
"Well, Oi'U show ye how. Let's dhraw th' pa-apers t'gither. 
Oi'll hould ye'r han' whoile ye wroite thim. Ye've got th' 
cash an Oi've th' ixpeeyreunse ; we'll shwap." "Sure"; ses 
th' profissor, "so long as OI have me wa-ay wid th' worruld, 
ye kin have what's in it, — ixcipt me joocy sal'ry, av coor-rse." 
"Roight-o," ses th' Welshman again, an sinds f'r his kinty- 
gar-rtin ta-achers. "Show this gr-reat gintlemin how to 
pla-ay wid th' worruld," ses he to thim, "but resar-rve th' 
roights f'r me. Let th' pa-apers be in his own shwate han', 
f'r he wa-ants to sit th' worruds to musik, to char-rm th' 
shlapy ol' bye that hoires him." Thin back cooms th' gr-reat 
shtatesma-an, full av glory an' pomp, an' ses f'm th' top av 
his head to th' ould ma-an Sam: "Soign here, ye ignorant 
per-rson, an be thankful ye've Woodthrow Wilson to tell ye 
ye've been a-all wr-rong f'm th' beginnin', an' to put ye on 
th' roight thrack to moind th' business av th' worruld, in- 
shtead av that av ye'r contimptible panut shtand, th' t/nited 
Sthates." "But Oi loike panuts," ses Sam, "an' Oi'd ra-ather 
be raisin' paynuts at home thin hell in C/rope. Take off ye'r 
coat, me son, an' go back to worruk; th' far-rm's neglicted 
an' th' har-rvest is waitin'." "But Oi'm no longer a far- 
rmer," ses th' gr-reat wan, "Oi've gradooathed; Oi'm a 
shtatesma-an now, an' a gintlemin, an' th' worruld's me place." 
"Well thin, lay down ye'r tools an' git into ye'r place, me son; 
there's a shtamer lavin'." "But Oi won't be lavin' ;" ses th' 
insoolint wan, "me conthract ru-uns till nointeen twinty wan. 
Manewhoile, ye common laborin' per-rson, Oi'll make ye look 
respictable in th' oies av me noo t/ropean frinds, an' kape me 
worrud whin Oi sed ye sed ye'd do as Oi plased." "But Oi 



30 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 



didn't say It." "OI know," ses th' profissor, "but OI sed It 
an' ye cheered, — a-all save th' pygmies, an' thim shud be 
hung." "But OI didn't cheer what ye're sayin' OI cheered; 
OI cheered ye're wa-ay av sayin' It," ses the confused ould 
gintlemln. "But what's th' diffrlnce?" ses th' buddin' deeplo- 
mat, "It sounded th' same to me frinds. Now soign here, 
lolke a good ould soul." "But OI don't know what's in th' 
pa-aper; lave me rade It," ses Oncle Sam. "Rade itl" chried 
Woodthrow. "Rade it! Why, ma-an, ye must sing it!" "But 
OI can't sing It at a-all, at a-all; OI don't undhersthand th' 
worruds," ses Sam. "That doesn't matther," ses th' pladin 
wan. "OI can't aither, but It's a gr-reat song, — besoides. It 
sinds me where OI want to go." "Where's that?" ses Oncle. 
"Non' av' ye'r dom business," ses King Prisidint, "but It sinds 
me where OI want to go; so soign it, whether ye sing it or no." 
"But It ses OI must wroite me na— ame In blood a-all over 
C/rope, an' shtop slUin' me grub an' goods to anny wan Lyde 
Jar-rge ordhers me to squaze," ses th' koind ould bye. "OI 
don't want to foight, or to ha— ave me worruk shtopped." "It 
don't be sayin' that," ses th' plader. "But It's in th' wroitin'," 
ses Sam. "It may be In the wroitin'," ses th' profissor, "but 
It's not In th' radin' av It; lave me rade It to ye." "But OI 
kin rade It f'r mesilf," ses Sam. "Ye can not," ses th' pro- 
fissor av English, "for Oi wrote It." "Well, thin, hurry an' 
do somethin', f'r Oi can't be f'river talkin'," ses th' pa-aytient 
wan. "Thin soign It, an OI'll shtop," ses th' masther av com- 
ma-alyun worruds. "It's a-almost worruth that," ses th' weary 
pathrlarc," but OI'll chross out th' worrud, wa-ar, an' some 
ither oogly sayin's; mebbe riskin' th' rist'll be alsier thin' listh- 
enln' to ye, wid th' day's worruk to be done." "Ye'U not dot 
an oi nor chross a tay!" ses th' hoired ma-an to his boss, 
"ye'll do as 01 till ye, f'r 'twud bra-ake th' hear-rt av th' 
worruld, — an' cost me me noo job." Thin up shtands th' 
ould ma-an, suddint loike, an' grabs th' Insoolint Idjoocather 
be th' back av his stiff neck, an' tur— rns him aroun', an' lan's 
a kick forninst him that's hear-rd roun' th' worruld. "Oi 
guess OI'll soign what Oi loike," ses th' long sufferin' wan, 
dustbin' off his fut wid th' Coov'nint. Thin he takes th' 
pa— aper, runs his pen t'roo th' wor— rst av it, soigns th' remayns 
and ses to th' blustherln' lad, as he t'rows it at him, "Sind 
that to ye'r frinds, wid me suspa— ashus complimints, an till 
thim OI hev me oi on th' lot av thim. Av Oi'm shtlll th' 
goat 'twill be rough ridin' whin they mount me back." "Yis, 
sor;" ses th' gintle chil', rubbin' himsllf, "thank ye, sor; 'tis 
what 01 wa— anthed a-all th' whoile, sor, but th' Sinit shtole 



The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 31 



me ricominda-ashuns, sor, afther insisthin' th' thraty shud be 
shwallowed whole, sor. 'Tis an avil body, is th' SInit, sor; 
won't ye plase abohsh it an sa-ave th' ixpinse ? Oi'U do its 
worruk f'r half th' money, sor, as will as me own." "No, 
thank ye;"- ses Oncle, "th' Sinit's me ould frind. Will ye be 
shtoppin' to worruk th' far-rm, me son, or will ye be off 
worrukin' th' worruld?" "Oi'll be worrukin' thim both," ses 
th' diver lad. "'Twas niver done befure;" ses ould Indool- 
gint, "th' Good Book ses ye can't sarve two masthers." "Oi 
kin;" ses little Cliver, "besoides, Oi've writthen th' Betther 
Book. Me Noo Fra-adom makes th' ould book look loike 
th' histhry av capitalism." "l^hin ye'll be afther havin' ye'r 
own wa-ay, in anny ivint, is it?" ses th' good soul, weary 
loike. "Indade, yes, sor;" raphes th' sproightly talker, "'tis 
me roight." "Be it so, thin," sighs th' pathriarc, "av ye'll 
not shtop, an' ye'll not look, an' ye'll not listhen, ye'd betther 
carry a red loight, me son, f'r th' Amirican Flyer's about du', 
an' ye're on th' thrack. Good luck t' ye." 

Now, ye'r honor, [Irishman squares about and faces the 
Master^ ye've ha-ad me shtory, an' now ye'll ha-ave its saquil. 
Ye wanthed me missage; here 'tis. Oi ha-ad it be woireless 
cable on th' wa-ay oop. Be shtill, now, ivrywan, whoilst Oi 
rade it. [Unfolds a crisp paper and reads'] : 

"RoQsh. 
"Misther Nay-w/j5M5, 

"On th' wa-ay to Genevy, 
"t/rope. 

"Afther du' thrial, th' diim^IiuL Ictr' Hl^ully n„t 
av communica-ayshun, Woodthrow Wilson was this 
da-ay ixpilled f'm th' prisidincy av th' f/nited Sthates 
in confor— rmity wid Constichooshunal procadure. 
Also be a risolooshun av th' two houses av Congr- 
ress th' C/nited Sthates this da-ay for-rmally gav' 
notice av its widdr-rawal f'm th' Lague av Na- 
ashuns. Brake th' news to him, an' brake it 
har-rd. 

"(Soigned) Jar-rge Har-rvey." 

[A low rumbling is heard, the temple trembles, there 
comes from the throne a bursting sound and a flash 
of light, followed by a babble of chattering voices. 
There flutters to the dais a cloud' of paper bits. 
On the dais lie a white robe and two black gloves. 
They are empty; the Master is gone.] 



32 The New Earth and What Befell Its Creator 

First Novice {^rushes forward in consternation and excitedly 
drags out the robe and gloves^. Oh, Master! O, Master! 
{in surprise'] Why, they're empty; there's not anything in 
them! 

Irishman [quietly lights his pipe]. There niver wa-as, me 
son, there niver wa-as. 

[Boob, who has fled through a window, peers back in 
fear, while Second Novice takes off his gown and 
folds it up.] 

Second Novice [dejectedly]. Well, Mike, when the old 
man blew up my job went with him; — it's a long way home. 

Irishman. Nivver moind, me little frickle fa-ace, Oi'U 
share me proivat' car-r wid ye. Coom help me now. Fetch 
th' gar-rmints an' all th' blank pa-aper bits ye kin carry, an' 
we'll ind this sa— ad cirimony [goes outside and kicks about in 
the grass]. 

Second Novice [comes out with his arms full]. I can't 
lug all the paper, but here 'r' the clothes. 

Irishman [digs a hole in the grass]. 'Twill do. Now, 
thin, doomp thim in. That's th' bye. Now, fetch th' shtone 
yondher that Oi lugged oop th' moontain. Now; bot' togither! 
There ye ar-re ! Foine, a-ain't it? Oi coomposed th' inscr- 
reepshun mesilf. Lave me rade it to ye [reads from the stone] : 

"Here lois a-all that's immor-rthal av th' ma-an 
widout a counthry. 

"He shpread thray circus hoops wid th' Diclar- 
rashun av Injoopindince, th' Constichooshun av th' 
L^'nited Sthates, an' th' Monro' Docthrine, an' lept 
t'roo thim to glory in th' year av our Lord nointeen 
twinty." 

Now f'r me pra-ayer, an' we're done: May God ha-ave 

mer-rcy on th' Dimycrathic Par-rty. Amin. 
C'mon, son; lave us go ate. 

[Curtain] 




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32 The Ni 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



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